Mind, Body and Soul

I Wish…

Why me? What did I do wrong?
Why have you chose to ignore me so long.
I need your help, I need your love
Please be aware, I’m only above.
While you sit below, a family all together
I’m upstairs alone, feeling the pressure.
I wish I was better, I wish I wasn’t ugly
Then maybe somebody would actually love me.

They both have a new family, I’ve been forgotten.
Am I bad, am I rotten?
Trying to answer the questions in my head,
Would it be better if I was dead?
A young mind so full of pain,
I drag a blade across my vein.
I wish I was better, I wish I wasn’t ugly
Then maybe somebody would actually love me.

Alone in my room, the tears start to fall
I’m not ok, why don’t you call?
Your only girl sat by the door
Hours I wait, how many more?
You haven’t seen me for months, why don’t you miss me?
I desperately need someone, emotionally.
I wish I was better, I wish I wasn’t ugly
Then maybe somebody would actually love me.

The bullies can smell it, I’m vulnerable to my core
I don’t think I can take this anymore.
I’m dealing with this all, at home and at school.
How can people be so cruel?
My grandad is the only one who can see
And then he was so painfully taken from me.
Somebody notice me, take it away
Even a hug would be ok.
I wish I was better, I wish I wasn’t ugly
Then maybe somebody would actually love me.

Silently crying out for someone,
I think my heart is finally done.
Nobody to go to, makes me feel so small
Maybe these pills will end it all.
I wish I was better,I wish I wasn’t ugly
Then maybe somebody would actually love me

You chuck me out on the streets, who do I turn to?
My first time away, I don’t know what to do.
Six months go by still no phone call
Don’t you miss me? Not at all?
My dad actually cares, I finally fit in.
Why did this take so long to begin
A hug makes me go stiff, I don’t know what love is
Ive never felt anything like this.
My step mum is worried, gets me the help I need
Keeping it in so long makes me hard to read.
I’m not used to talking, never done this before
I think now is the time to explore.
Maybe I’m not in the wrong, it’s nothing I’ve done.
Maybe the one to answer should be my mum.
I’m getting better, I don’t think I’m ugly
Maybe somebody could actually love me

I’m an adult now, a family of my own.
I could never imagine leaving them alone.
The questions still haunt me, nothing has changed.
Why won’t you love me? What did I do wrong?
Why has this been going on so long?
I’m not bad, I’m not ugly
I’ve found someone who actually loves me.

I wanted to share my personal poem with you all, this is my first time attempting a poem so any constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated. I wanted to share my story with you but was finding it difficult to get the words out. I tried this method and the words just spilled out and really eased my anxiety.

Mind, Body and Soul

My Internal War

Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. Its the fear of failure but no urge to be productive. It’s wanting friends but hate socializing. It’s wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It’s feeling everything at once and then feeling paralyzingly numb.

I’ve been struggling to write a post for a very long time now, my mind isn’t in the right place. I’m struggling. I want to at least attempt to organise my thoughts and my constant battle with mental health. Especially now with so many people committing suicide, its extremely important people feel like they can talk about their problems. So if anything, getting my thoughts out there is my form of therapy

I’m struggling again but for different reasons this time. I haven’t spun down the vortex of sadness into the black pool of depression. I’ve just recently been diagnosed with premenstrual dysphoric disorder, after suffering for two years. Which means for only 1-2 weeks of the month I feel myself while the rest of the month I’m suffering with depression and severe anxiety, along with many other symptoms. After many trips to the doctor and being told every time it’s depression. Thankfully having past experiences with depression and knowing this was not the case because it was only 2 weeks of the months that I was feeling depressed, I refused to have antidepressants and decided to do my own research.

At first I thought it was possible I could be bi polar but after writing a symptom diary and following my cycle I realised the symptoms all started around ovulation every month. I was shocked and saddened to find that the only way to manage this hormonal mood disorder was with antidepressants or a hysterectomy. I’m twenty six year old and we would definitely like another child so a hysterectomy was not going to work for me. I was terrified to think that the only way I could manage this is with antidepressants, there was no way I was going to spend my many fertile years taking antidepressants. So I started my research again, surely there were natural ways to maintain depression and anxiety? And then I found it. The relief was immense.

So now my new journey and understanding of mental health has begun. I have suffered with numerous mental health problems since the age of fifteen after suffering a neglectful childhood. I tried beta blockers, anti depressants and therapy which worked for the time but what about when it comes back? Do I start the cycle all over again?

Being older and wiser I now know pharmaceuticals are definetly not the way forward. A nutritious and healthy diet, regular exercise, yoga and meditation is so important for a healthy mind and along with CBD to manage the viscous panic attacks, I think I am well on my way to controlling my mind and body.

Taking control is so empowering that I’m actually excited to see how this new me is going to turn out. In the past I would have accepted what the doctors said and taken what ever they’d given me but not anymore I’m a strong woman and I will fight this! In my own way. I will take each day as it comes. Follow my journey as I continue to research and try different natural techniques and remedies

The mind and body are inextricably connected, with our thoughts and emotions exerting a powerful influence on our health.

Dr Bradley Nelson

P.s. can you tell I started writing this in the midst of my depressive days and ended this post in my ‘me’ days. I’m officially Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde